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Roller skating, gorgonzola cheese and the smiths

Aug. 3rd, 2005 | 11:04 pm
mood: cheerfulcheerful

Yes, I'm thinking of you, Jen.

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sex sex sex

Jul. 27th, 2005 | 10:41 pm
mood: giddyHorny
music: faggy techno (french affair)

That's all I have on the brain. Which is appropriate for any 20 yo. I just called a guy that Rayn and I want to see- left a message. I should go down to the bath-house But I don't want to put forth the effort and the negotiations...
I think it's gonna be one of those nights... where I wake up the next morning and try to count the dicks (cuz god knows I won't remember the faces).
To youth and folly :)

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sweaty pillows

Jul. 27th, 2005 | 01:33 pm
mood: draineddrained
music: burnside traffic

You were a horrible father. You still are.
Thanks for the nightmares.

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human doing

Jul. 26th, 2005 | 05:00 pm
mood: accomplishedaccomplished
music: Concrete Blond- Vampire song

It feels good to help Ter a little bit on the house. Stripping the lead paint off the exterior, around the kitchen window. There's this eco-friendly contraption that heats up to 400 degrees. The paint bubbles up and hisses a little and *SCRAPE* it's off.

There is a client driving up from Medford to see Rayn and I tonight. He sounds excited. I hope it works as easily as it should. Demons know, we neeed the money. Apperently there's this Vince guy that's coming from Chicago to be our slave. Maybe... I'm skeptikal about him. He was suppose to be here this one day and then this other day and this other thing didn't work out and he said this but it's really this and his name really isn't Mike and...
please stop fucking with me people. I already have little hope for humanity, don't encourage me to become bitter.

The scene in portland isn't as lucrutive as I thought uit would be. I have more interest but less serious interest. No one has stood me up yet. That's a good sign

Rayn's out looking for work. Such a good boy:) In fact he just called me. To show he loves me and is thinking of me. So Sweet.

I want to take pictures of me and this hair... My hair is rocking! I need documentation of such things.

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Jul. 26th, 2005 | 01:41 pm

my got neato icons

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My dooo

Jul. 11th, 2005 | 03:16 pm

I cut my hair into... a hawk!

I think it's sexy...
I wanna smell myself mmm-hmmm

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A creation story...

Jul. 7th, 2005 | 10:05 pm

Now kittyz it's time for a strange story...

... or maybe after the end

There was dun du du dun W A P
i n a
t Y t
h t
Now, o e
it is logical u r
to assume that anything That caN, given infinity, will happen; an infinite amount of times. Now since there is no pattern, anything can happen. But, eventually, something will happen happen multiple times; eventually, something will happen with the same reactions; causing pattern. Through the sheer force of repitipition some pattern would become reliable. Making so that the possibilty of other actions moot. Through the sheer force of redundancy pieces of WAP would
K Y ... to form

MUTO (Transformation [Lan: Latin])

Well that's all for now... join us for our next chapter

same bat-place, same bat-channel

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Looking for work

Jul. 6th, 2005 | 05:16 pm
mood: optimisticoptimistic
music: Lamb

Now that Rayn and I are officially going to stay I need to make sure I have income. Although I am perfectly capable of supporting myself as an escort; (If I could do it in Eugene I can do it here) I miss coffee. I miss coffee people. There's a lot of places I need to stop by. I will start with what's closest to my home and move out from there. I will still do the escort thing, but I'd prefer it to be extra cash until I get this place figured out and have a few good regulars.I look forward to making drinks and steaming milk and using my increased physical energy (I've cut back smoking!). Most of all I want to see the relief and joy on people's faces when they get a perfect cup or when they get a crash course in espresso and for once understand how to properly order their new-found favourite drink. Not to mention the free shots. I hope my teeth don't go european on me...

Jen, can I still use you as a reference? What will be your contact info while you're home? and, How do I go about the coffee people job in the airport. I certainly can't just walk past security and ask.

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he is...

Jun. 29th, 2005 | 09:43 pm
mood: cheerfulcheerful
music: fish tank

I'm not tapping all of my energy. I'm reserving what strength I can spare. I feel it coming... a fever. When I close my eyes it burns. This makes me angry- which also burns. I don't want to get ill in any of the various forms illness takes. But if I am destined to get ill please!- let it be allergies. The last thing I want to do is have to go see doctor. My health costs too much. So do cigs.

I have noticed that cigs in Portland are priced about $1.50 more! Why? I think the only reason is because they can be. I love my addiction. I was talking to myself in the shower today about the price of cigs and I said "Self, here's an obvious solution; quit." HA! I realize I love rebellion and I love smoking. This is a lethal combination, detrimental to my general well-being. But that's not why I'm documenting this conversation. I realized that no one is gonna make me quit. If I want to smoke or not smoke it is entirely up to me. I smoke for myself and/or I quit for myself. If I wanted to quit, it suddenly feels like les of a monumental task... but I don't want to. :)

Rayn just got some more of his "medication" -- thank (insert whatever pleases you here). He was starting to get too sober. Some of you know how cranky he can be when he wakes. It's like he's constantly waking up when he's sober. whiney. But he's back to himself... sleeping on the couch naked as the sun goes down. He's so pretty.

The media systems have been reorganized for easier navigation and better sound. The audio now goes through the equalizer (a marvelous toy for the ears). No one can understand how aesthetically pleasing this is for me. This is the first household I've been in where I was the most technically savvy. I hope that I didn't make things more complicated. I took a clue from Dave... write down how to switch everything so others will know how to work the things. But there are lots of tricks and bizzar occurances.

Speaking of the strange.... There is some fairy in this household. She is very particular. Especially over the stove and which doors are to be open/closed. I don't know if I like living with her. I think it all depends on if she likes me or not. Thus far we've had little interaction.

The cat hates me. it took her a while to make up her mind. She hates just about everyone. So it's nothing apecial. But sometimes I think that Odessa ran away soley because of me... :(

I am an Aquariaus, Leo, Leo, Aquariaus, Aries, Aries... I am all air and fire... Another reason why I love smoking... tghe stars predestined it :) I don't know why I was suprised to figure this out. I thought there was more water in there. meh... I can deal.

I miss abnormals anonymous.
Rayn showed Ter "Teen Girl Squad!" today... not his cup of tea...

Jen I know you don't want to but please sit down and listen to Pretty Good Year by Tori. I don't want to hear complaints. I just want you to do it. I promise it won't hurt. Every time I hear it I think of you... Also, I listened to the Smiths today. Who is the Hand and who is the Glove? I miss you much.

One last thing... Cortini! thanks for being the first Libra I got to know well. You prepared me for your people.

Love to all

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Wind @ My Back

Jun. 25th, 2005 | 02:47 am
mood: Is
music: Tori Amos, Under the Pink (In my Head)

I'm out and on the Road. My first stop; Portland, to meet some of Rayn's friends. I've been here for little over a week- working on their old victorian house. In January a tree fell onto the front end. Transforming an unfortunate event into a blessing, the owner , Ter, decided to upgrade. He hasn't done work in construction before, but with the help of books, and a love for victorian housing, it's almost finished. We've been incredibly productive sometimes staying up all night while working. Some of the jobs are therapeutic, others make my body angry. It's nice to be accomplishing something tangible. A purple gothic something... Rayn and I are seriously thinking about staying here for a while. There's a room for rent that were in right now. They need a roomate. It's an awesome house. I still want/need to see the country. After consideration I've decided that staying here for a short duration is not a bad idea if the roomate agrees.

I'm getting to know Ter as we work. I like him. All Water and Fire (requires temperance). At first I thought he was a stressed out guy. I've learned he does that to motivate himself and not those around him. Thank geesus, stress has a tendency to paralize Rayn and I. He has excellent communication skills. I don't feel like there's much else I know. Although I think I should mention more because we fooled around. Why do I put that obligation onto myself?

It was difficult leaving home. There were long-byes that were good. I can't say enough to/about my family/cabal in Eugene. I miss you all. There were things I wanted to say to each of you on here. Now that I'm here it seems bizzare and I can't remember what those things were. I do remember that I thought it would be wise if I didn't rely on the written word, as it can be interpretable.

I had a great conversation with Rayn in the basement while on stuff that made us on the same wavelength. We had been argumenting earlier. I feel more connected with him then ever before. I realise that when he left for Salem it hurt me. He was suppose to not hurt me. I have a problem with expecting people I trust to be unfallible. When I got ill and depressed for two weeks I was seething towards him. Then the smoke cleared when he lovingly took me to McSuperSizeSmileAddictGrease to buy me poison that brings him comfort(a very sweet gesture despite my recent vow I've broken against fast food) I realized that he was for really real. So like any sane person I ran away to DC to think if I wanted to be real too. I do. I had to let him know that I can be hurt by him. Had to tell him that I was vulnerable and sensitive to him. To tell him that this love needs expression and it scares the shit out of me to know that I am vulnerable, sensitive and in love to/with someone. He now understands that I'm real. I think this trip will be great. I imagine that, together, we'll be more than all right.

The last two years I've been in hibernation. I've decended into the underworld and I got as close to death as I could. Hurting others on my way, I hacked out of my craddle/coffin. I've rebirthed myself and *gasp* have right over my choices. I remain un-redefined. I think it wise to observe myself and find patterns that define me rather than define myself and try to work within those definitions. I am a human and I am capable of any action that ahuman has taken. I recently asked "What makes a boy a man?". "Responsibility for his actions." was my answer. I agree. I've relied on my youth for my indescretions. I have a ideal in my head that one day I'll be enlightened. One day I'll be the best I've got. I don't even know how good that is. I decided that I should be the best I can be NOW. All I have is now.
It's interesting/amusing/embarassing/pitiful/joyful/exciting to watch oneself following the "journey of the fool".

Paint than Sleep
But first love to those I love
and secondly love to those I hate
thirdly love to my cigerette

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